might just be what this messed up world needs!
I will never forget when the liberals started spreading their propaganda of insanity in which you were never responsible for your own actions and I quote “The most important person in the whole wide world is you, and you should know it.” Some of you may have heard this commercial for self-esteem or whatever they were hoping to solve for some selfish little snot. Granted there are the abused and I was one of them, but this kind of false propaganda does not help anyone.
The actual guilt I now suffer from is the fact that I almost never spoke up most of the times in my life. I have guilt for times I should have said things that I didn’t for one reason or the other, mostly because I thought it was better to shut your mouth and mind your own business and I never had the overpowering urge as some do to control others.
I sometimes I wish I would have told people what I really thought about certain things they were doing that really were self-destructive in the long run. I wish I would have been able to have the maturity I now possess to realize that someone might just listen. It wasn’t that I didn’t care, but I was so scared to speak up and make them mad or hurt their feelings, I would just listen. I’m sure they liked it at the time, but when I have come to see the long-term results, I regret it deeply. Sometimes I wonder if my ex-best friend would be here today if I would have said or done certain things back when we were young. Either that or we would have stopped talking a lot earlier.
I’m not talking popping them like pills, but popping like in bubbles or balloons. Can you do this? I have always managed to keep most of my unpleasant memories completely out of reach in my mind. I am not really sure how my psyche actually did this to protect me. I do know that I never ended up completely destroyed or addicted from my sad/bad life like my siblings or others I know that have gone through the same kinds of experiences. I have not become angry and self-destructive in a way that has completely ruined my life. My life was ruined, but not completely.
I have actually experienced selective amnesia for some of the really traumatic incidents that occurred when I was young. There was one act of evil that I had absolutely no recollection of, even when my sister brought it up and I asked my mother later if my sister was losing her mind in saying this. My mother was naturally shocked and only when she confronted me with the fact that I could not have actually forgotten something that horrible, I remembered and then was almost angry at them jogging this awake again for me. Is that fair for people to speak of things that never need to be thought of again? For what end would someone bring up something painful?
This is why I have avoided most of my family, most of my adult life. I didn’t want to admit I came from a freak show. Many of us do, I realize this. In fact I love reading other people’s biographies, especially those of people that are not celebrities. It makes me feel so much better about my life and less a freak. I prefer to live each day the best I can and I have always gotten great satisfaction that although I am not perfect, I do most things well. I have always worked hard and have numerous talents that I have used at various times in my life. When I was young my talents afforded me many of my friendships because of shared interests or some that were just impressed with my skill as an artist or dancer. These are the kinds of things I put my attentions on. Positive works because I cared about living and found that there actually was so much good in the world if you only cared and tried. I never knew this is having hope. I had a friend once tell me that she was jealous of me. She said it in a nice way, but after a while it did kind of show.
Since I have been in menopause my memory has become worse. I would forget about anything and not have to play some psychological mind game in my brain to do so. So getting older does have its perks if you need to forget.
Sometimes “In Place No One Can Hear You Scream”