I’m not talking popping them like pills, but popping like in bubbles or balloons. Can you do this? I have always managed to keep most of my unpleasant memories completely out of reach in my mind. I am not really sure how my psyche actually did this to protect me. I do know that I never ended up completely destroyed or addicted from my sad/bad life like my siblings or others I know that have gone through the same kinds of experiences. I have not become angry and self-destructive in a way that has completely ruined my life. My life was ruined, but not completely.
I have actually experienced selective amnesia for some of the really traumatic incidents that occurred when I was young. There was one act of evil that I had absolutely no recollection of, even when my sister brought it up and I asked my mother later if my sister was losing her mind in saying this. My mother was naturally shocked and only when she confronted me with the fact that I could not have actually forgotten something that horrible, I remembered and then was almost angry at them jogging this awake again for me. Is that fair for people to speak of things that never need to be thought of again? For what end would someone bring up something painful?
This is why I have avoided most of my family, most of my adult life. I didn’t want to admit I came from a freak show. Many of us do, I realize this. In fact I love reading other people’s biographies, especially those of people that are not celebrities. It makes me feel so much better about my life and less a freak. I prefer to live each day the best I can and I have always gotten great satisfaction that although I am not perfect, I do most things well. I have always worked hard and have numerous talents that I have used at various times in my life. When I was young my talents afforded me many of my friendships because of shared interests or some that were just impressed with my skill as an artist or dancer. These are the kinds of things I put my attentions on. Positive works because I cared about living and found that there actually was so much good in the world if you only cared and tried. I never knew this is having hope. I had a friend once tell me that she was jealous of me. She said it in a nice way, but after a while it did kind of show.
Since I have been in menopause my memory has become worse. I would forget about anything and not have to play some psychological mind game in my brain to do so. So getting older does have its perks if you need to forget.
Sometimes “In Place No One Can Hear You Scream”
The other day I recalled a conversation I had with my grandmother many years ago. Wasn’t long or memorable, so I think this is why I didn’t really give it much thought until recently.
My entire life I have always done the right thing. Since I was young, I have worked hard, played fair, never tried to get something for nothing, always reacted to others good fortune with happiness. I was decent, honorable and helped people out when I could. Most of my family was not like this, to put it kindly, and I noticed this.
I asked my grandmother why she thought I was so different from my siblings, not trying to hint that there may have been a mix up in the hospital, though none of us look that much alike. My grandmother simply said that she had no idea why people are the way they are. Why siblings raised pretty much the same way could be as different as Cain and Abel. That was it. No thinking or trying to figure things out. She had no idea and neither do I to this day. I still don’t know why we are so different and that I have never had much contact with them due to some of their life choices and behaviors that I cannot understand and do not agree with. They appear to take after our mother who always loved drama and even though she was not a dishonest person, she loves gossip and nick named me goodie-two-shoes which she meant as a put-down, but I took as a compliment.
I tried not to judge them harshly my entire life, but surprisingly, it grows harder to do this the older I get. Soon after I hit menopause, I began to feel more angry and irritated about things that previously did not bother me. I think that’s where the term “old biddies” comes from. I now know why the Bible states not to be yoked with non-believers. They will only bring you down literally or figuratively and after a while it gets real old! After a while you start thinking, who do certain people think they are, why do they think they don’t need to follow rules and that the world owes them a living?!
Something I was thinking about and praising God that I obviously knew I was His child from the beginning. This does not mean I am perfect by a long shot, but my heart is a pure heart and that is me. I know that now and no matter how hard my life has been I thank God for always being there for me and thank Him for Jesus to guide us and ultimately save our souls! I don’t know why I have such a grateful heart and why others with more blessing than I, do not. This is what leads some to self-destruct. They don’t appreciate what they have and end up losing it.