Life’s Hopes and Dreams

If I were to imagine that the only use for my life would be to live and work diligently as insects do and then just die, I would say what I always thought as a child.  “What’s the point?”  When I became painfully aware of death as a young child, many times I wondered why I was doing anything.  Why any of us even bothered.

I then became aware of those that changed the world for others.  I felt strongly that this is the reason we are all here.  To make a difference for the better.  I find it very disturbing that most people are not very intelligent or wise.  That most don’t share my belief that we can all be someone else’s hero.  That many use other people for their selfish ends and proceed to lash out like a small child at the least provocation to anything or anyone that does not agree with them.  Most have absolutely no knowledge as to the miracle of life and just how precious every one of us are.

It’s really not their fault if they are not taught this in some way.  Humans only know what they learn from others.

I have suffered through a very hard and cruel life and when I was a young woman I made up my mind that I was going to write an autobiography, anonymously of course, in the hopes to help others that have shared similar fates and to warn women, especially mothers, of what not to do to their children.

Most don’t really have a clue what they are doing in life and will never realize this while they are here so there’s no problem for them at all.  Everyone I know that is content in his or her ignorance does not appear to have the ability to look beyond what they are automatically doing.  They never question any bad decision made even when confronted by others they have hurt.  Any accusation is incredulous to them.  What an odd way to live.  Socrates said “The unexamined life is not worth living” but I don’t know if I agree sometimes.  Some of the most self-deluded ignorant people are the amongst the most content that I know.  Ignorance is bliss to many but I just don’t understand how.

I believe an individual’s cloak should be removed from their sins if they are hurting others.  Jesus believed this as well.  He said this was why he was hated by many.  We should all be allowed to live as we wish as long as it doesn’t effect others adversely.  This almost never happens.  Anything we do does somehow effect others.  Even the act of hiding one’s head under the sand and committing the sin of omission.




I’m not talking popping them like pills, but popping like in bubbles or balloons.  Can you do this?  I have always managed to keep most of my unpleasant memories completely out of reach in my mind.  I am not really sure how my psyche actually did this to protect me.  I do know that I never ended up completely destroyed or addicted from my sad/bad life like my siblings or others I know that have gone through the same kinds of experiences.  I have not become angry and self-destructive in a way that has completely ruined my life.  My life was ruined, but not completely. 

I have actually experienced selective amnesia for some of the really traumatic incidents that occurred when I was young.  There was one act of evil that I had absolutely no recollection of, even when my sister brought it up and I asked my mother later if my sister was losing her mind in saying this.  My mother was naturally shocked and only when she confronted me with the fact that I could not have actually forgotten something that horrible, I remembered and then was almost angry at them jogging this awake again for me.  Is that fair for people to speak of things that never need to be thought of again?  For what end would someone bring up something painful? 

This is why I have avoided most of my family, most of my adult life.  I didn’t want to admit I came from a freak show.  Many of us do, I realize this.  In fact I love reading other people’s biographies, especially those of people that are not celebrities.  It makes me feel so much better about my life and less a freak.  I prefer to live each day the best I can and I have always gotten great satisfaction that although I am not perfect, I do most things well.  I have always worked hard and have numerous talents that I have used at various times in my life.  When I was young my talents afforded me many of my friendships because of shared interests or some that were just impressed with my skill as an artist or dancer.  These are the kinds of things I put my attentions on.  Positive works because I cared about living and found that there actually was so much good in the world if you only cared and tried.  I never knew this is having hope.  I had a friend once tell me that she was jealous of me.  She said it in a nice way, but after a while it did kind of show. 

Since I have been in menopause my memory has become worse.  I would forget about anything and not have to play some psychological mind game in my brain to do so.  So getting older does have its perks if you need to forget.

Sometimes "In Place No One Can Hear You Scream"

Sometimes “In Place No One Can Hear You Scream”


Important Things to Think About

  1. Who are you who do not pray for the strength that God will give you?

  2. Who are you that do not love yourselves?

  3. Your children are an extension of your hopes and your frailties.

  4. If you do not show them mercy, then you have no mercy for yourself.

  5. This is why the spiritual fact is the way you treat others is the way you perceive and show your own worth to the world.

  6. This is why as you show mercy, so shall you be shown mercy and at the very least your bad behavior shows how you feel about yourself.

  7. At the worst, it can cause you to become uncivilized, even worse than an animal, a monster.

  8. Forgive yourself for being human, for being less than perfect.

  9. Forgive those that made you feel bad or small because they expected something from you that was not humanly possible.  The ones that expected from you what they themselves were lacking simply because it is not possible to be perfect.

  10. Rid yourself of the delusion that life is a contest or a test.  Life is life and is to be lived in the moment at the pace you were created to live it.

More important things to think about later.

Proud To Be An American

Proud to live in America.  When I was young my father wrote some kind of patriotic song that I thought was pretty corny at the time.  It was during the Vietnam war era.  “I’m going to walk across this land, shaking every, everybody’s hand.  Cause I’m proud to be an American, proud to live in America.”  Part of the chorus.  I’m an all American mutt of many nationalities with most of my family coming over from Canada in the last couple generations, so my family line has not been here all that long, other than my supposed Native American line.  In my many years in this country I have seen tremendous changes.  Unfortunately most are not for the good.   The changes in our people are disturbing.

Too many Americans have become spiritually as well as physically weak.  Most people do not know the meaning of the word discipline for themselves or for their children.  “If it feels good, do it” was one of the most lame brained and selfish sayings I have ever heard.  Does anyone in America have a deep thought anymore?  We live in an unhealthy, unrealistically fast paced society.  None of us are ever made to feel valued anymore.  We must learn to slow down and value ourselves and others before it is too late to change.  Before the “man” gets too used to using us up til there is nothing left of us mentally, spiritually or physically.  We must do this before we are too afraid to live according to the very Constitution that allows “Life, liberty & the pursuit of happiness.”  This is not just for the rich, don’t let them fool you.

I believe that most of us just go through the motions, trying to fill the great void we feel inside.  The void that we try to fill with over indulgence in food, drugs and loveless sex.  Breaking every commandment in the Book.  How strange.  How sad.  Are we really so ignorant and arrogant that we cannot bow before God and ask for anything real?  Forgiveness, strength, love.  The family has all but disappeared due to man’s lack of self-respect and self-control.  Just because big  business does not value us and we don’t have much control in most work situations is not a reason to tune out or lash out irrationally, like road rage.  It is a reason to try to change things for the better.  If you feel it’s broke, fix it, don’t run from in by getting high or trying some other way to block it out.

When young girls don’t respect themselves and don’t know their self-worth, many become unwed mothers in an attempt to have some kind of love in their lives.  They deserve love and security, but where will they find it?  Many don’t come from intact families themselves.  When young men don’t respect themselves and know their true worth, they act like fearful dogs.  Fighting and running around sniffing tail, thinking this makes them a man.  If you love and respect God you cannot help but respect yourself and others.  There can be no other way.  It is hard and takes discipline, which takes personal sacrifice.  In our attempt to be humane and accept the shortcomings of others, we have allowed them to stop trying.  We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and try to be so “politically correct” that we end up with their blood on our hands.  Many of us are trying so hard to pretend to tolerate behavior and lifestyles that have no place in a civilized, educated society.  No one wants to be the one to say the emperor has no clothes on.

I see so many young girls selling themselves out so cheaply in life and thinking that the most important thing in life is to shake your fanny and end up with another child that they will struggle to raise.  Different fathers and still no love or security for them or their children.  Where is God in their life?  What will our future generations ever hope to be without faith?  More drugs, promiscuity and self-defeating behavior, all media encouraged.  When I think that this is my America I feel disgusted and more than a little scared.  I realize that not everyone lives like this, but too many do.  How can we hope to have a strong country when so many just don’t get it or just don’t care?

The terrorist attacks on Tuesday, September 11, 2001 merely added to the destruction of our nation.   These acts confirm to all that pure evil really does exist.  Violence and evil go hand & hand, much like stupidity & evil.  The thing that knocks you off-center about this is the unpredictability of it all.  What do you hear news people saying after an attack of any kind?  “Why did this happen” or “How could this have been prevented?”  We have to try to immediately put some kind of reigns or control on the terror.  We pretend to ourselves that once an answer is realized, we will be able to prevent this from happening again.  As mortals we are all very vulnerable and it’s much too disturbing to admit that there are situations that are hard to predict and control.  Many Americans have been lulled into a false sense of security.  We’ve been brainwashed into wanting to hold the world’s hand and share a Coke, as long as that Coke is not over 16 ozs in some places.  We don’t want to face reality that some of the world would just as soon smash that Coke bottle over a counter top and shove the jagged glass in our guts.  We have to stop being so naive.  The main reason that we were encouraged to accept world diversity is so the rich could get richer in this country.  It is all about high finance and always has been.

Sometimes hardships and tragedies strengthen people, but too many people in this country have become spoiled, lazy and selfish.  Even those of us who are not, have lived and worked in stressed out conditions for too long.  Since our nation’s tragedy years ago, I have seen more road rage and tempers flaring.  People now have more stress then they can handle with so many feeling the pain of joblessness or downsizing.  This is now the time to be a little nicer to your brother who may be having a worse day then you.  A little kindness goes a long way.  Have patience with one another and try to understand where someone else is coming from.  They may really be suffering or they may just be the dip-stick you think they are.  Either way, shouldn’t you show a little compassion?  That could be you!

The one thing that I do know is that while evil may exist, so does good.  So does God.  But we must stop turning our backs on Him.  Trying to find another, easier way out.  If you think that we can fight evil with mere military strength, think again.  There is so much wisdom in the Bible, if only people would read it.  Faith really can move mountains.  Miracles do happen.  Man has become greedy.  They do not appreciate that every birth is a miracle and what do we do to our people?  Enslave, discard, murder, abuse and on a good day, take each other for granted.  It is always taken for granted that the sun will rise each morning to usher in another day.  That birds will sing.  That everything God has created has a place and a purpose under heaven that has gone on for many years and will continue, hopefully, in spite of man.

Man is the only one of God’s creatures that has managed to mire his existence with technology and the pollution that comes with it.  Man and his ego.  Man and his toys.  Good people forget that evil has no reason, no purpose, no motives other than for evil’s sake.  Our nation was based on “In God We Trust.”  Some trust the money it is written on more.  We must love God and ourselves and one another.  Respect everyone, whether you agree with them or not.  Help anyone that you can.  If it lifts up, it is God.  If it tears down, it is evil.  These are not hard concepts.  Quiet your spirit and God is there, He was always there.  You allowed yourself to become too busy trying to fill a void that never existed in the first place.  May God bless and keep all of the planet and deliver His people from evil.

May God especially bless all the heroes in our world that have given themselves, even their very lives, to help those that were and are in need.  Thank you for making this world a better place for your being here, however long that is or was.  I’m reminded of the words in an Emily Dickinson poem, “If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain.  If I can ease one life the aching, or cool one pain, or help one fainting robin, unto his nest again, I shall not live in vain.”