What in the hell?
Yes, indeed. Hatefulness is a little bit of hell so why am I starting to feel this emotion more than ever now? Anger at aging and not being a meaningful society member in the world’s eyes anymore? Anger at losing everything and almost everyone I have ever loved? Anger at finding out most cute little sayings are just that? Anger at all the lies and deceptions in the world? Anger that my life turned out nothing like I had planned? Fear and Anger that I just don’t really care to get back on track anymore?
I can remember a time when I accepted almost anyone as a person no matter their sins or how obnoxious they were. This came naturally for me. I didn’t force anything inside. It was just how my spirit was at the time. Willing to forgive at a moment’s notice. You would think that doing this for a long time would make you better at forgiveness but I have found it to be quite the opposite for me. I find myself growing increasingly resentful of any slight and to be fair, part of this is indeed hormonal which I am just supposed to accept because it’s the way we were created and there’s nothing I can do. I have tried hormones for a short time. Still using natural progesterone cream over the counter from some health food store.
My entire life I was a “kind” person. When I was a child I befriended anyone who was the underdog or picked on. Sometimes I was that person but not for long because my siblings were my opposite and very hostile and violent. When they found out who I was related to, they backed off. I only remember being afraid of one girl who used to beat me up after school a few times, that was before my sister started attending. The next year we became best friends.
I’m not going to blame me feeling “hateful” purely on menopause either. Though I now know where the term “old bitty” comes from. I think it’s just a combination of everything in my life and the entire world at this time set off by hormonal imbalance and extreme unhappiness. It’s not a kind or gentle place as portrayed for a while in the 50’s where you can even pretend to be safe.
For some color. And it couldn’t get more vibrant than red!
Red for roses on Valentines Day. And for the hearts! It’s a very red day anyway.
There was also the National Wear Red Day that was celebrated or honored on Friday, February 5th this year. When I was in Federal Service, we all wore red every Friday to support our troops. We all should start doing this until every last soldier comes home!
The color red is the color of the blood shed on the actual day Saint Valentine was tortured and beheaded by an angry anti-Christ emperor named Claudius Gothicus that not only did not embrace Christianity himself, even though claiming to like Saint Valentine, demanded that he denounce Christ himself or be put to death. He refused and Valentines Day is somehow an outcome of his martyrdom in the year of our Lord 269. Strangely enough that emperor died of the plague, the following year.
On that same day, 1660 years later in Chicago another blood bath occurred known as the Saint Valentines Day Massacre. Don’t some people just suck?!
Try not to think about it when you’re trading Valentine Day cards and giving your loved ones chocolates and flowers. You are celebrating by doing the opposite of what this day had represented and isn’t that really what Saint Valentine would have wanted? To continue the Christian tradition of loving one another.
In the summer of 1977 I had a very strange and vivid dream. It concerned Elvis Presley. Sadly a couple of weeks later he passed away basically from being drugged up by his own Doctors who didn’t seem to care about his vastly deteriorating health.
I was walking alone down a winding path in a large forest when I saw Elvis Presley standing solo on the path in front of me. I ran up and hugged him. He said he had to go and started walking away and was suddenly out of my sight. I continued down the path quickly looking for him everywhere. Traveling around a large tree I came across a huge tombstone in the center of the path. I cannot remember reading anything on the cold, hard marble, but kept up the brisk walk until I came to a large clearing next to a pond and a helicopter about to take off. There were some people standing next to the copter so I ran up to ask them if they had seen Elvis when I realized he was among them. As he climbed into the whirlybird with the other people, I asked him to take me with him. He said “later.”
As they took off I grabbed onto something on the bottom. As it rose up higher in the sky, I knew I had to let go to let myself fall into the lake below. It was then I awoke.
Did my dream somehow foretell that Elvis was about to die? There were some recent reports that his health was badly deteriorated. Maybe normal worry caused me to dream this, maybe not. I was always a fan. Not a huge one, never met him or saw him in concert, but I always liked his spirit. There was something “good” about that man. He was not like so many others and not just because he was talented. There was a basic decency about him that the world is sorely in need of at all times. I am sad that such a gem did not really realize his true worth and could just throw in the spiritual towel like that.
I believe that many of us fall for the old “smoke and mirrors” tricks of the enemy to weaken and destroy God’s people. We all need one another. We are none of us perfect, nor are we created to be. We are created to help one another, not compete against one another. Life is just life, it is not a contest so when you make mistakes or things don’t turn out like you planned, don’t beat yourself up over it. Be kind, always, even to yourself.
I still have the first wall art purchased for my first apartment.
If you blog you probably are someone who has enough introspect to wonder why you are here. Why any of us are here.
I would contemplate that I was here to one day make some huge difference in the world like Mother Theresa or Gandhi. I used to think that people who really cared ran away from the 9 to 5 and went overseas to do mission work or something equally as dramatic.
I now realize that this is not for everyone and that usually good people are needed right where they are. In the first place you would need to speak the language of any foreign nation you go to or you wouldn’t be able to ask them where the rest room was, let alone communicate anything important to them. If everyone up and left for another land, who would minister to all the needy in their own town?
As an ex-workaholic, I have ministered to co-workers as well as some of my customers. Even when I worked for “the man!” I actually had one woman look me up later to thank me for taking the time to speak to her as a person, spiritually, that went beyond just helping her resolve the financial problems she was struggling with at the time.
It’s the idea of blooming where you’re planted. That God will place you where He needs you. He will put certain people in your path to help or be helped. People talk about making the most of the day and giving til it hurts but I don’t really agree. You are not supposed to make your life any more complicated than it already is and you are certainly not supposed to be hard on yourself about anything. You have the world for that.
All you can do is the best you can and that should never be a strain. I’m not saying you won’t be called to strain on occasion and only you know when and if the spirit will move you to make some type of great sacrifice. I know that you should never feel guilty for being who you are and where you are. God knows your life and what you are capable of. Life is not a contest. It’s life and it’s unpredictable and offers no guarantees of any kind. Even Jesus told people not to worry about tomorrow or what they will eat or drink.
I believe as long as you walk in the word and appreciate your blessings God will provide for you in the same manner that you provide for those God has given you.
Why does emptiness seem to be the human condition? Why are we born so needy and so hard to satisfy?
Why do most never seem to achieve happiness in anything they do or in their relationships?
I would say this is a sign of some deficiency or mental condition except that it is far too common and I believe man has always been this way.
Most try to fill their voids with romantic love or sex, food, drugs, excitement or whatever they desire to feel good for the moment. It appears no matter how much we are educated to the facts of just how dangerous our addictions and habits are, we refuse to stop always searching for our nirvana.
I just find it odd that we are created so differently from how we were obviously meant to live. Is our civilization so perverse from the actual nature of man because the people in charge demand our lives to perform difficult, sometimes meaningless tasks, for their benefit and personal gain or are we all missing the point of the meaning of life?
The fact that we are not here for our personal desires, but to be used as the tools we are to help others and to serve our short purpose for the good of all and glory of God, not for the personal gain of any man.
Today I paid it forward for the first time. I say the first time because I liked it and I want to do it again, within reason.
I can’t really say why I did it or what needed to come together for me to finally just state, “I want to pay for these people’s order,” which was very small, just over $6.00. Of course I am basically unemployed and about to lose my home, but still have a few dollars in the bank, so I really am po’. But if I can afford to buy a couple of instant lottery tickets, I can afford to buy someone’s groceries, within reason.
I went up to the corner store to turn in my big lotto winnings of $5.00. Kept $1.00 and asked for two more $2.00 tickets. As I was purchasing them, there was a father with his young children that were placing things on the counter. They did not speak English. I don’t know if I was feeling overly emotional about what had just transpired the previous day in Boston, but I just had the urge to do it. I felt so sorry for those boys uncle speaking to the news about the shame they brought. I remembered a conversation that I had with a Middle Eastern gentleman, a customer, on the phone soon after 9/11. He said that people were being very nasty towards him after the attacks, he being Muslim as well. I recalled how my mother told me how some woman paid for her groceries a few days after my brother was almost murdered. She didn’t know my mother, but this woman, heavy with child, told the cashier that she would pay for her groceries because she wanted to “pay it forward.” She had no idea how this kindness would mean so much to my mother at this very dark time in her life.
People should know, being people and all, that most of us are going through many trials and tribulations that we don’t want others to know about so they won’t feel sorry for us or treat us differently, but it would be nice if everyone thought of others more often, even if they can’t afford to pay for their groceries, maybe hold a door open, thank someone who is not expecting it or just see what you can do to make a difference for the better for someone.
I couldn’t and wouldn’t begin to know what is in the mind of a killer of any kind. Someone who wants to hurt others. They must feel real bad about themselves but why? We need to all be willing to kill each other’s inner demons with kindness. Wouldn’t it be cool if someone was about to commit a deadly act and someone else diffused it with an act of kindness? This is really how the world works, within reason. Think about it.