Daily Prompt: Uncompromising Ain’t Popular

I used to be popular,

When I was a doormat.

When I tried to become another accessory,

Those that liked to wipe their feet went away.

Most relationships are followers and leaders.  Victims or victimizers.  Opposites do attract in this manner.   Lovers or Friends it doesn’t really seem to matter.

I went from unassertive and wishy-washy like my passive aggressive mom taught me to strong and uncompromising.  I can’t say for sure what the catalyst really was because I’m sure there was more than one.  Just trying to survive a severely dysfunctional “kill or be killed” atmosphere will do it.  This is why many of us survivors of abuse suffer from PTSD, not just actual soldiers.  We lived in a war zone most if not all of our lives and that takes a psychological toll on you, like it or not.

My younger sister was always headstrong and acted out in anger in constant condemnation of our mother and how she was “spineless” and “Queen of Denial.”  Since my head was in the clouds back then never wanting to believe anything was wrong, I had no idea what she was talking about.  I thought she was an evil little traitor who judged everyone harshly and it was not until many years and counseling sessions later that I got what she was talking about.  She always told me that she did not want to become like our spineless mother so she went in the opposite direction of not just becoming very belligerent and uncompromising, but doing all kinds of crazy, impulsive things trying to feel better.

She was later treated for psychosis and I feel that she suffered from borderline personality disorder when I see the symptoms.  I feel that I have some of the same traits myself when it comes to trust.  It makes you look “paranoid” when actually your history with those that were supposed to have been your loved ones, proves you right not to trust.  In fact you would have to be crazy to trust others.  She always said, “If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust?”  And she was spot on.  Like many so called mentally ill, they sometimes see what the rest of us can’t or don’t want to.

After menopause I began to behave a lot like my sister, some of my relatives said so and that was not a compliment, they were basically telling me I was acting “crazy.”  This does not mean they were correct.  Do I have issues?  I would think so, most of us do, but can I manage?  So far.  Am I happy?  Not always.  But I know up from down, right from wrong and I’m not into substance abuse or any abuse so that’s a huge difference.  Medications and alcohol can really effect you adversely, even prescribed.  People try to belittle the Christian’s use of Christ as a “crutch” but that’s exactly what He wants us to do.  Prayer is a life saver.

Many times when you stop fitting other folks image they have of you, they think there is something wrong with you.  When you don’t make things easy and are tired of being played you appear uncompromising to them because you are.  Let them work with you for once.  One time I actually had an instance that got me thinking “why am I always the one who does everything, the one that apologizes first” and left the ball in their court.  The ball never came back, as I knew it wouldn’t.  Sometimes I hate it when I’m right.

Daily Prompt: Privacy, the Cloak of Sin

Privacy is great but it can be used to hide a myriad of sins.  Ever notice how most bad things are done in the “privacy of your own home?”  Leads to sneakiness or game playing for some.  Who trusts “private meetings?”  You always get a bad feeling when you see a sign on a door “Private” which is usually followed by “keep out.”  So someone wants to keep something from you.  The question is, why?  Must be ashamed of it, or maybe they just want to keep a good thing to themselves.

Abuse requires lots of privacy.  If you harm others in any way, you usually don’t want an audience because you might be stopped and others will finally find out that you really suck when you’ve worked so hard to develop that charming personality that has fooled everyone for so long.  I won’t try to pretend that abuse does not happen way more than people think, especially when most of you have experienced it in one form or another from parents to spouses to unfair bosses with ego problems.

Privacy is unique because it is very much needed and yet it can be very problematic depending on the circumstance.

 

Daily Prompt: Fearful to Fearless

I can’t say for sure what happened.

As a child that was extremely abused and neglected by my parents.  I was afraid of everything and everyone when I was young.  I was considered “shy” as I got older and thought that it was normal to be scared to the point of constantly sweating and not being able to concentrate because I was always on “high alert” for any danger.  I prayed I wouldn’t be called on by the teachers or picked on by other kids.  I didn’t have many friends as a result.  I learned to be hyper-vigilant so I could try to defend myself from all the possible dangers this world had in store.  My younger sister, who was a head taller and big-boned, was always my bodyguard when she could be.  She was two years behind me so was only in my schools when I was a Senior and she was a Freshman.    I sometimes wondered if I was switched at birth because there was no way I could have been related to the aggressive loud-mouths in my family.

I didn’t realize at the time I was probably suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder since this is a relatively new thing.  My other siblings appeared angry and aggressive and never seemed to fear things.  They were not raised with a Christian Aunt as I was and did not have the Golden Rule instilled in their very psyche.

I followed that Golden Rule to the letter until the last number of years of my life.  I blame menopause for my irritability and that I never give any mean acting person the benefit of the doubt if they dare try to play me or give me a hard time.  It’s either hormonal problems or I’ve developed schizophrenia.  I will usually lay right into them.  Since anger and irritability is a symptom of many in menopause, I feel pretty secure to know I’ve just become an “old bitty” as they used to say.  All I know is I’m brave as heck now.  I have no shyness and others seem to sense the fact that I sometimes wreak anger and don’t mess with me.  I actually have developed that “chip on the shoulder, make my day” attitude which is sad really.  As a result, I still don’t have many friends.

Daily Prompt: Get it, Before it’s Too Late

I am amazed at the ignorance of people.  Many are now of the thought that they should just be doing their own thing, living their dream, letting it all hang out and so on.  Sounds selfish to me.  In every society we all need to contribute and respect one another.  There is no other way.  We all have a right to the life God gave us and no one has the right to destroy it in any way.  The fact that anyone would think they can harm another and not have the same thing done to them is not realistic.

People that abuse, insult or harm others don’t like themselves and that’s too bad.  I often wonder what was done to them that completely destroyed their psyche and hope for happiness and a good life.  Maybe they had ignorant parents that were too hard on them or maybe they lack the ability to think thoughts deep enough to even care to understand anything.

I really don’t think that most people get why they are even here because our society is very confusing at best.  This poem I wrote is simple, but tries to explain it.  Think before you hurt anyone because it is written that it will come back to you one way or the other, sooner or later.  Treat others as you wish to be treated even if they don’t deserve it.

angelintheflowersPoem

Cause & Effect: Teach Your Children Well

BrownHorse

I need to ask you parents something.  Would you rather be right or see your child fit in?

Would you be willing to send your child to school with a bull’s-eye on his or her back just to prove a point?  Most men would have had a fit if their son wanted to bring something like that to school at that age but leave it to mom to think it’s A-OK to love My Little Pony!  Then there are the “Bronies.”

People definitely should not be bullied into anything, but we all know this is how most things are run in the world.  We are all bullied to a certain extent to perform in school and work, to obey laws and to pay our tax.  If we didn’t fear some kind of punishment or humiliation from our behavior, the human race could fast turn into soulless, purposeless monsters.  Much like some are now.

Most of us learned cause and effect when we were growing up.  It’s a sign of an intelligent mind.  A mind that would like to survive because it figured out if I do this, then that may happen.  This is how we learn what we should or shouldn’t be doing because it provokes certain responses from others.  You then need to decide should you continue your actions, even if you are in the right or are you being demeaned by others because you are disgusting them.  Sometimes bullies have a point when they make fun of those that appear to want to be made fun of.  Nasty people will find any reason to attack those they think are weak and no one has to antagonize them.

If someone appears hostile or menacing an intelligent person thinks twice before provoking those they know won’t hesitate to abuse in some way.  It’s like an openly gay guy deciding to knowingly go into a red neck bar in the Bible belt.  That’s a go at your own risk type of deal.  Everyone knows you should be able to have the freedom to do what you want, within reason, but many would love to bully that man due to the fact that they would think he should know better and is probably trying to antagonize them.

That is another reason that people are abused by others.  Nothing makes some people madder than when they feel they are being played by someone.  Being taunted in some way.  I don’t really feel sorry for people that know they offend others and choose to do it anyway only to cry about it later.  Sort of like a kid dumb enough to taunt a classmate with “Nah nah nah nah nah” then cry when they get beat up.

There are some that are offended by anyone just looking at them, but those people don’t count.  That kind of evil usually comes to no good like the Detroit man who killed a teen for giving him a “look” he didn’t like and in turn also caused the accidental shooting death of the accomplice’s seven-year old daughter.  Ironic that this accomplice was the one that gave him the gun to shoot someone else’s child.

Encircling Insanity

Oh how I wish that meant that we could encircle insanity but insanity is rapidly encircling the world.

It is brought on by the unbelievers in these, the end times.

An example of this insanity is when I make a comment somewhere online that the reason a person murdered or some horrific act was just committed is because this was a person that did not walk in the spirit of the Lord, the spirit of love.  I see the responses reminding me of the crusades and pedophile priests, of which I respond with the truth that these people obviously did not know Jesus, were imposters, fakes and it is ridiculous to even suppose that these folks in any represent the Christ.  These are the comments of those who do not know Him.

This shows me that many people lack critical thinking skills and just plain common sense.  Obviously you don’t walk in the Word if you hurt others in anyway, period.  It’s one thing to say something accidentally offensive or that the truth offends someone who wishes to be offended.  They better take a much better look within or maybe you need to think things out before you speak.  Most people that hurt others are hurting.  This does not mean they had a bad life or were abused in their lives, but obviously the way you treat others is pretty much the way you think of yourself, how you feel about your life.

Happy people seldom hurt others physically or verbally.  Most people are unhappy, lost, bored, angry, you name it.  Most don’t walk in the Word or even know how to accept the peace that Christ offered the true believers.

Important thing to remember is the way you accept and treat others is pretty much what you really mean for yourself.  This should scare some of you.

We only have one world and one chance in it.  How many care to try and make this a better world for them being here, rather than destroying it for someone else?

Especially for those who don’t believe in heaven and hell, if you think this is all there is, why wouldn’t you feel sorry for your brother and try to make his or her time here on earth a little easier?

Dare to be someone’s hero.  You will only get one chance in one place at one time.

evil4evil

Who Knows What Evil Lurks in the Hearts of Men

Usually the very people that live with them.

On the evening of 12/11/2012, my family’s world was forever changed, and not for the better.  Tragedy is not a stranger to us, unfortunately, but this was one that I never dreamed would darken my family’s door. 

When I awoke 12/12/2012 I had no idea of what had transpired the night before .  With so many talking about this date having some kind of significance, I had no idea and no such belief that this date would bring so much horror and complete despair.  I did know that it was the second year anniversary of the death of one of my very best childhood friends, though we had lost touch for many years.  I was reminded of the anniversary of the death of John Lennon a few days before, brutally murdered by a sociopath.  This has taken so long to post because I am really having a hard time putting it down in writing and the story is still not over. 

Horror is the sign you see in movie sections, the ones I avoid.  I don’t like evil and don’t believe in giving it glory like that.

I went out shopping for remaining Christmas gifts for a few people that morning.  It was a great day, warmer than usual and I felt good for the first time in a while enjoying the bustle in the stores, knowing I was almost done with my errands.  I stopped at McDonald’s for a dollar menu McDouble, something I only do a few times a year, and came home to unload my car and flop down with my burger and a cup of coffee.  Soon after I finished it, my phone rang.  It was one of my sister-in-laws sounding tearful asking what happened in my family.  I did not have any messages regarding anything amiss and asked her what she meant.  She spoke very tearful and haltingly and said that she believes something horrible happened to one of my brothers, a fight or an accident and that she heard he was in the hospital.  I asked her to stop and not to tell me anymore at this time.  I was horrified and told her not to say anymore because I simply couldn’t bear it.  I needed to get my mind wrapped around the fact that our world was about to change again and not for the better.  It is especially hard for someone like me to accept this.  My sister and myself have been praying and believing for a very long time for the miracle of my family to stop their self-destructive behavior and find Jesus.  My sister-in-law told me that she hated to have to tell me this, but that her brother had found out from a mutual friend that works with one of my brothers that there was an accident or a fight or something and she was not sure of the details but that possibly one of my brothers may have even been killed.  I told her that I would call her back when I heard something, but advised her there was no answer from my mother’s home when I tried to call her earlier, where the incident supposedly took place.  I drove the 15 minutes to my mother’s home sick to my stomach with fear and bracing myself for the worst case scenario that one of my brother’s was possibly dead. 

All kinds of thoughts raced through my head.  “A fight?”  “An accident?”  Three of my brothers live with my mother since their divorces and major job losses.  I really did not want to find out what happened but just wanted to crawl into my bed and pretend that I never received the call and the world really is made out of rainbows and pink cotton candy, instead of shit and bullets.  I knew one of my brothers had a gun.  I knew that just like our missing father,  they all drank and sometimes heavily.  I knew that if no one was home and there was a problem, one of the neighbors would fill me in and unfortunately I was correct.  The minute I pulled into the drive I called the home number again to see if anyone would answer.  Only one of the cars was gone from their drive.  Still no answer and I felt sick to my stomach!  As soon as I disconnected the unanswered call, a neighbor from across the street came running over.  He told me that no one was home, that they were still at the hospital, which I knew was a good thing.

He proceeded to tell me that one of my brothers violently attacked his younger brother with a knife and a heavy frying pan that he repeated beat him over the head with.  He told me that his head was split open, and that he had been stabbed multiple times.  I almost passed out from the shock of hearing something so demonic and evil as this.  We come from a severely dysfunctional family with the usual garden variety of abuse and neglect, but nothing like this ever happened in our family before.  He told me that he was sorry to have to tell me this and that my brother was deceased when he was taken away, but someone told him he was revived once he got to the hospital.  Found out that he was taken to a hospital that was near my house due to the injuries, instead of the hospital near him.  I drove straight to the hospital and was told that they did not have a patient by that name, so I went home to wait to be contacted, enraged and crying all the way home, cursing that damned satan for all his tricks for the feeble-minded and poor in spirit.  Cursing the fact that evil even exists and that so many love to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight.  I prayed, but still prepared myself to hear the worst.  I later found out that hospitals are not allowed to advise of any patient admitted due to assaults, for their own protection.

My brothers were once married, had families and were successfully employed for years, but their love of drink ruined them.  I seldom quote scripture to them or preach, but whenever the opportunity presents itself, I take advantage.  I seldom have anything to do with my family because of the way they have all trashed their lives and live only to drink satan’s piss, as I call it.  I have learned to stay clear of people who are self-destructive and obviously hate themselves.  They will also hate and possibly hurt those trying to help them.  When I speak to them about my faith and forgiving themselves for messing up or not being perfect, I try to explain that it is OK for them to succeed just because some drunk that they were related to told them they would fail.  So far, they don’t seem to get that.  They would rather be high.  It has been their lifelong dream to stop their pain this way and thank God I don’t quite understand it.  There was a reason that Jesus told his disciples to shake the dust off their feet from towns that refused to accept them.  As much as it hurts, you can’t save everyone and some angry people like to take as many down with them as they can. 

None of my brothers were ever abusive to their children but my brother that did the attack has also attacked other people sporadically in his life including his wife, putting one in the hospital near death, a child molester, who never pressed charges.  I started thinking about this and the fact that I do avoid that brother, even though he never hurt me or acted hostile to me my entire life.  I am a gentle person and easy to get along with so I never had a problem with any of my brothers ever being mean to me.  We used to get along great as kids, except for the fact of him constantly attacking his younger brothers at the drop of a hat.  I had to pull him off them to stop him but he would stop and not try to fight me or get mad at me for stopping him from punching his little brothers.

I decided to call another younger brother that moved away years ago because he did not like to be around the dysfunctional family he came from.  I tried to break it to him gently and told him that I am still waiting for information from someone in the family.  He told me about the time that he had to be treated with stitches from a run in with that same brother many years ago.   Both of my brothers involved are veterans and I am not sure if this makes any difference to their temperament or disposition to violence.  Neither served in active combat.  I received a call later that evening from the same brother who informed me that our brother was still alive in intensive care with multiple stab wounds over his entire body and that he had minor head injuries from his head being split open by a frying pan.  I was to be told later that it was a miracle that he made it with the amount of blood he lost from all the stab wounds, including a major one in his neck.  It has just been a demonic freaking nightmare and if people don’t think the world ended December 2012, think again.  It ended for many of us.  It ended for those little children a few days later because yet another demonic possessed ahole decided to dance with the devil in the pale moonlight.  Throw a fit, act insane and imitate something he saw on a movie or television show.     

What makes me angry is the complacent, enabling attitude my mother has always had, even with our horrible father.  I don’t know if people like that are weak, scared or just don’t know what to do.  I cannot imagine being scared like that, as an adult woman.  I can’t understand why some are doormats or punching bags and make things worse for everyone involved, even the creeps that don’t practice self-control.  Only the month before, my brother that was attacked told me that he did not trust the brother that eventually tried to kill him, because of his hostility.  Instead of insisting that he get help and stop drinking, my mother sits there and lets it continue til something like this happens.  That same brother, punched out yet another brother about a year ago, and thankfully did not do major damage, but break his glasses.  I personally despise people like this.  They are compassionless and don’t care who they hurt.  They throw their adult fits and think that they are allowed the carnage they create without any real care or concern of what they do to others.  Substance abusers are creeps for this reason.   

This is exactly the reason why so many murders do take place.  People walk on eggshells around the psychos in their lives instead of banishing them.  I am a super believer in tough love because no adult is owed anything from anyone and if they wish to have a relationship with someone, they better be thrilled that someone cares about them and they are blessed enough to have someone in their life who cares about them at all.  They should continuously have the prodigal son mentality, after he returned, that is.  When he came back after trashing his life, he threw himself at the mercy of his father and said that he was only fit to live with the swine.  Only an evil fool ruins relationships and lives by abuse and disrespect and destroys their own brain cells with drugs and alcohol.  There is no excuse to hate yourself and ever believe anything negative someone told you as a child.  At my age, with my life experience, I am sick of people like this.  Boo hoo, daddy didn’t wuv you a million years ago.  Get over it and develop a personal relationship with Jesus the Christ before it is too late!