I used to be popular,
When I was a doormat.
When I tried to become another accessory,
Those that liked to wipe their feet went away.
Most relationships are followers and leaders. Victims or victimizers. Opposites do attract in this manner. Lovers or Friends it doesn’t really seem to matter.
I went from unassertive and wishy-washy like my passive aggressive mom taught me to strong and uncompromising. I can’t say for sure what the catalyst really was because I’m sure there was more than one. Just trying to survive a severely dysfunctional “kill or be killed” atmosphere will do it. This is why many of us survivors of abuse suffer from PTSD, not just actual soldiers. We lived in a war zone most if not all of our lives and that takes a psychological toll on you, like it or not.
My younger sister was always headstrong and acted out in anger in constant condemnation of our mother and how she was “spineless” and “Queen of Denial.” Since my head was in the clouds back then never wanting to believe anything was wrong, I had no idea what she was talking about. I thought she was an evil little traitor who judged everyone harshly and it was not until many years and counseling sessions later that I got what she was talking about. She always told me that she did not want to become like our spineless mother so she went in the opposite direction of not just becoming very belligerent and uncompromising, but doing all kinds of crazy, impulsive things trying to feel better.
She was later treated for psychosis and I feel that she suffered from borderline personality disorder when I see the symptoms. I feel that I have some of the same traits myself when it comes to trust. It makes you look “paranoid” when actually your history with those that were supposed to have been your loved ones, proves you right not to trust. In fact you would have to be crazy to trust others. She always said, “If you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust?” And she was spot on. Like many so called mentally ill, they sometimes see what the rest of us can’t or don’t want to.
After menopause I began to behave a lot like my sister, some of my relatives said so and that was not a compliment, they were basically telling me I was acting “crazy.” This does not mean they were correct. Do I have issues? I would think so, most of us do, but can I manage? So far. Am I happy? Not always. But I know up from down, right from wrong and I’m not into substance abuse or any abuse so that’s a huge difference. Medications and alcohol can really effect you adversely, even prescribed. People try to belittle the Christian’s use of Christ as a “crutch” but that’s exactly what He wants us to do. Prayer is a life saver.
Many times when you stop fitting other folks image they have of you, they think there is something wrong with you. When you don’t make things easy and are tired of being played you appear uncompromising to them because you are. Let them work with you for once. One time I actually had an instance that got me thinking “why am I always the one who does everything, the one that apologizes first” and left the ball in their court. The ball never came back, as I knew it wouldn’t. Sometimes I hate it when I’m right.