What many of my decisions turn out to be.
This is strangely through no fault of my own. If I was lazy, irresponsible or didn’t bother to think things through I would blame myself but since I do think things through and look at different scenarios, even worse case, it is odd to me for the fact that something completely out of the realm of possibility and out of my control pops up. Even when this happens I still want to kick myself for doing anything at all, which is ridiculous of course. I actually had a third-party, not a friend that I confide in that these kinds of things happen to me, ask me if I had a little cloud over my head that followed me around because they could see that odd, bad things would happen to me that did not make any sense.
When I was about 10 years old I could see that something very strange was being done to me and I asked my mother “Mom, how come every time I get to do something really fun, something bad happens to me.” She said that wasn’t true, but I knew better. It was not a self-fulfilling prophesy because in fact my mother always told me to “stop having my hopes up so high all the time.” Granted I was around family members that were not reliable and very disappointing. I never relied on them, but just on things like performing for the school play and then getting horribly ill with scarlet fever, not some psychosomatic illness because I was nervous. I really could not wait and then “BLAM!” Right before I was about to perform. It was always something that I thought I could realistically foresee and yet something unexpected and shocking was sure to come my way.
I totally rebuke krap like that now, but do you think this stops it? Just like finally buying my own home only to have the mortgage meltdown that no one could have foreseen. I told myself worst case scenario is I get what I paid for my home when I sell it a number of years down the road because I was fixing it up with new windows and real ceramic tiling. I finally stopped improvements when the property began losing value in 2007 or 2008. Still hung onto it hoping that it would bounce back but I just found out that this home I was forced to give back to the bank sold at auction a couple of months ago for $60,000 and it held the full $134,000 mortgage at the time of bankruptcy and foreclosure. You just never know and I will be a son of a mother if I will stop doing things because of this kind of stupid krap. I will still keep on keeping on within reason and if nothing turns out right for me on this planet, so be it. God’s will be done. Why good things always happen to bad people and bad stuff happens to good people all the time is something I will never know for sure but I have my ideas.