What many of my decisions turn out to be.
This is strangely through no fault of my own. If I was lazy, irresponsible or didn’t bother to think things through I would blame myself but since I do think things through and look at different scenarios, even worse case, it is odd to me for the fact that something completely out of the realm of possibility and out of my control pops up. Even when this happens I still want to kick myself for doing anything at all, which is ridiculous of course. I actually had a third-party, not a friend that I confide in that these kinds of things happen to me, ask me if I had a little cloud over my head that followed me around because they could see that odd, bad things would happen to me that did not make any sense.
When I was about 10 years old I could see that something very strange was being done to me and I asked my mother “Mom, how come every time I get to do something really fun, something bad happens to me.” She said that wasn’t true, but I knew better. It was not a self-fulfilling prophesy because in fact my mother always told me to “stop having my hopes up so high all the time.” Granted I was around family members that were not reliable and very disappointing. I never relied on them, but just on things like performing for the school play and then getting horribly ill with scarlet fever, not some psychosomatic illness because I was nervous. I really could not wait and then “BLAM!” Right before I was about to perform. It was always something that I thought I could realistically foresee and yet something unexpected and shocking was sure to come my way.
I totally rebuke krap like that now, but do you think this stops it? Just like finally buying my own home only to have the mortgage meltdown that no one could have foreseen. I told myself worst case scenario is I get what I paid for my home when I sell it a number of years down the road because I was fixing it up with new windows and real ceramic tiling. I finally stopped improvements when the property began losing value in 2007 or 2008. Still hung onto it hoping that it would bounce back but I just found out that this home I was forced to give back to the bank sold at auction a couple of months ago for $60,000 and it held the full $134,000 mortgage at the time of bankruptcy and foreclosure. You just never know and I will be a son of a mother if I will stop doing things because of this kind of stupid krap. I will still keep on keeping on within reason and if nothing turns out right for me on this planet, so be it. God’s will be done. Why good things always happen to bad people and bad stuff happens to good people all the time is something I will never know for sure but I have my ideas.
Figuratively and literally.
God did create a beautiful world and for many years man made good use of all the natural wonders we were afforded.
Then man started to get carried away with what they were able to do. Instead of balancing intellect with wisdom, some let their egos run wild with power never giving thought to how their actions would effect others or the future of the entire world. This is called ignorance and most men are guilty of this in one way or another because few trust in God.
Most of the current popular quotes or rules of thought are brought to us courtesy of the chosen, sheltered few that grew up loved and properly taken care of in relative comfort. Some claim that what happens to you in your life is up to you, which is simply not the truth. Seldom is the child of a crack whore or the town drunk quoted or celebrated for some high achievement they are responsible for but you must “Keep on Dreaming” “Keep Hope Alive” and “Never Give Up.”
When do those sayings become ridiculous or even rage inducing? Just rely on the truth and not the rants of the common man which are little more than the bleats of sheep. I also have a hard time with some Biblical scripture such as Romans 5:3 in that “tribulation worketh patience.” For some of us that have gone through much “tribulation” the last thing we now feel is patient. I know this is true for me but maybe there is a work that still needs to be done in me.
What in the hell?
Yes, indeed. Hatefulness is a little bit of hell so why am I starting to feel this emotion more than ever now? Anger at aging and not being a meaningful society member in the world’s eyes anymore? Anger at losing everything and almost everyone I have ever loved? Anger at finding out most cute little sayings are just that? Anger at all the lies and deceptions in the world? Anger that my life turned out nothing like I had planned? Fear and Anger that I just don’t really care to get back on track anymore?
I can remember a time when I accepted almost anyone as a person no matter their sins or how obnoxious they were. This came naturally for me. I didn’t force anything inside. It was just how my spirit was at the time. Willing to forgive at a moment’s notice. You would think that doing this for a long time would make you better at forgiveness but I have found it to be quite the opposite for me. I find myself growing increasingly resentful of any slight and to be fair, part of this is indeed hormonal which I am just supposed to accept because it’s the way we were created and there’s nothing I can do. I have tried hormones for a short time. Still using natural progesterone cream over the counter from some health food store.
My entire life I was a “kind” person. When I was a child I befriended anyone who was the underdog or picked on. Sometimes I was that person but not for long because my siblings were my opposite and very hostile and violent. When they found out who I was related to, they backed off. I only remember being afraid of one girl who used to beat me up after school a few times, that was before my sister started attending. The next year we became best friends.
I’m not going to blame me feeling “hateful” purely on menopause either. Though I now know where the term “old bitty” comes from. I think it’s just a combination of everything in my life and the entire world at this time set off by hormonal imbalance and extreme unhappiness. It’s not a kind or gentle place as portrayed for a while in the 50’s where you can even pretend to be safe.