Edge challenge is actually a challenge but here is a few I can share:
I was in jail before I was born.
Very unique start for anyone and I don’t really want to go into details of why this is so, other than I come from a severely dysfunctional family and sometimes this happens to folks like us who never asked to be born in the first place. That’s why when I hear the heartless say that some “just make excuses” for their lives, I wish that they could take a walk in their shoes, if only for a day.
September has been declared National Suicide Prevention Awareness month. I hate all these “National this and that” but I guess if they did not do this, some things would be forgotten until they happen to us personally. This is a subject that needs to be thought about since it adversely effects so many people.
There are many reasons that people decide they would “rather not be here.” These are the people that do not know their true worth and internalize guilt. They do not realize that life is very hard and horrible for most of us and that we really do have to remember that our “second wind” will come very shortly because life is nothing but change. They probably take everything way too seriously and personally maybe keep expecting things to work out exactly how they planned. Anyone who as ever tried or contemplated suicide knows exactly what I am talking about.
As someone who has survived a suicide attempt as a teenager, I know the dangers of our thought process, especially when we don’t know any better, and just how much anger has to do with this decision. I would honestly say that anger, not sadness, is more to do with this act. Supposedly depression is anger internalized. I could never express anger when I was young or I would have been severely punished. I saw anger all the time from my parents and even siblings, but thought I just didn’t have it in me to be mad until I started getting older. I would react in fear all the time. Fear turns to anger after a while, that’s just a fact. You can only fear for so long then you begin to get very angry at that intimidating factor, whatever it may be. This is how revolutions are born, by the way.
Jesus saves, even today. LOVE ONE ANOTHER! It is commanded, which means it’s not if you feel like it, but it’s something you must do and I wonder why? Look around and if you cannot see that Jesus is the only truth, life and way, then you are kidding yourself. Everyone deserves love and should act like it by giving this needed love to others as well.
Chorus from Casting Crowns “Who Am I?”
“I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I’m calling, Lord, you catch me
when I’m falling and you’ve told me who I am.
I am yours!”
What many of my decisions turn out to be.
This is strangely through no fault of my own. If I was lazy, irresponsible or didn’t bother to think things through I would blame myself but since I do think things through and look at different scenarios, even worse case, it is odd to me for the fact that something completely out of the realm of possibility and out of my control pops up. Even when this happens I still want to kick myself for doing anything at all, which is ridiculous of course. I actually had a third-party, not a friend that I confide in that these kinds of things happen to me, ask me if I had a little cloud over my head that followed me around because they could see that odd, bad things would happen to me that did not make any sense.
When I was about 10 years old I could see that something very strange was being done to me and I asked my mother “Mom, how come every time I get to do something really fun, something bad happens to me.” She said that wasn’t true, but I knew better. It was not a self-fulfilling prophesy because in fact my mother always told me to “stop having my hopes up so high all the time.” Granted I was around family members that were not reliable and very disappointing. I never relied on them, but just on things like performing for the school play and then getting horribly ill with scarlet fever, not some psychosomatic illness because I was nervous. I really could not wait and then “BLAM!” Right before I was about to perform. It was always something that I thought I could realistically foresee and yet something unexpected and shocking was sure to come my way.
I totally rebuke krap like that now, but do you think this stops it? Just like finally buying my own home only to have the mortgage meltdown that no one could have foreseen. I told myself worst case scenario is I get what I paid for my home when I sell it a number of years down the road because I was fixing it up with new windows and real ceramic tiling. I finally stopped improvements when the property began losing value in 2007 or 2008. Still hung onto it hoping that it would bounce back but I just found out that this home I was forced to give back to the bank sold at auction a couple of months ago for $60,000 and it held the full $134,000 mortgage at the time of bankruptcy and foreclosure. You just never know and I will be a son of a mother if I will stop doing things because of this kind of stupid krap. I will still keep on keeping on within reason and if nothing turns out right for me on this planet, so be it. God’s will be done. Why good things always happen to bad people and bad stuff happens to good people all the time is something I will never know for sure but I have my ideas.
Figuratively and literally.
God did create a beautiful world and for many years man made good use of all the natural wonders we were afforded.
Then man started to get carried away with what they were able to do. Instead of balancing intellect with wisdom, some let their egos run wild with power never giving thought to how their actions would effect others or the future of the entire world. This is called ignorance and most men are guilty of this in one way or another because few trust in God.
Most of the current popular quotes or rules of thought are brought to us courtesy of the chosen, sheltered few that grew up loved and properly taken care of in relative comfort. Some claim that what happens to you in your life is up to you, which is simply not the truth. Seldom is the child of a crack whore or the town drunk quoted or celebrated for some high achievement they are responsible for but you must “Keep on Dreaming” “Keep Hope Alive” and “Never Give Up.”
When do those sayings become ridiculous or even rage inducing? Just rely on the truth and not the rants of the common man which are little more than the bleats of sheep. I also have a hard time with some Biblical scripture such as Romans 5:3 in that “tribulation worketh patience.” For some of us that have gone through much “tribulation” the last thing we now feel is patient. I know this is true for me but maybe there is a work that still needs to be done in me.
What in the hell?
Yes, indeed. Hatefulness is a little bit of hell so why am I starting to feel this emotion more than ever now? Anger at aging and not being a meaningful society member in the world’s eyes anymore? Anger at losing everything and almost everyone I have ever loved? Anger at finding out most cute little sayings are just that? Anger at all the lies and deceptions in the world? Anger that my life turned out nothing like I had planned? Fear and Anger that I just don’t really care to get back on track anymore?
I can remember a time when I accepted almost anyone as a person no matter their sins or how obnoxious they were. This came naturally for me. I didn’t force anything inside. It was just how my spirit was at the time. Willing to forgive at a moment’s notice. You would think that doing this for a long time would make you better at forgiveness but I have found it to be quite the opposite for me. I find myself growing increasingly resentful of any slight and to be fair, part of this is indeed hormonal which I am just supposed to accept because it’s the way we were created and there’s nothing I can do. I have tried hormones for a short time. Still using natural progesterone cream over the counter from some health food store.
My entire life I was a “kind” person. When I was a child I befriended anyone who was the underdog or picked on. Sometimes I was that person but not for long because my siblings were my opposite and very hostile and violent. When they found out who I was related to, they backed off. I only remember being afraid of one girl who used to beat me up after school a few times, that was before my sister started attending. The next year we became best friends.
I’m not going to blame me feeling “hateful” purely on menopause either. Though I now know where the term “old bitty” comes from. I think it’s just a combination of everything in my life and the entire world at this time set off by hormonal imbalance and extreme unhappiness. It’s not a kind or gentle place as portrayed for a while in the 50’s where you can even pretend to be safe.
New World Order of Bullies
It is clear to me that a new type of bully is in town. Most bullies have the decency to just be openly and honestly dickish. They come right out without any pretense and hurt others in pure unadulterated glee of the hunt. You have no doubt most bullies are indeed bullies.
What is a bully anyway? Someone that threatens or intimidates others? A cruel person that tries to force or coerce others into doing what they are told to do? All governing entities do this to varying degrees just to keep order to the area they are in charge of. You have to have bullies with a heart to make sure specific rules of conduct and behavior are followed to the letter, now more than ever, though they would never describe themselves in this term. I think of these kinds of bullies as normal people doing a job but a criminal may indeed think they are being bullied. I was thought of as one trying to collect tax from certain individuals. Sometimes you need to be bullied if you refuse to follow your society’s status quo.
We have a totally confused and out of control culture and society at present in America if you are to believe our biased media and I now believe that this is being done by design by the liberal left. They are up to such bad things, they need for the citizens to be distracted with other things so they have gone about promoting liberal views that divide the people. Most of what they say does not make sense, nor is it fair to most, but they are hoping enough of the naive or silly will jump on board and cause problems upsetting the majority.
I also believe any government that not only promotes but forces unpopular ideas, no matter how offensive it is to most, is torturing them in a sense. They are behaving as bullies. Now the icing in this insanity is the fact that these very same people protest very loudly when anyone disagrees with them, condemning them angrily. Complete hypocrisy. When I see the liberal politicians and celebrities in action I am reminded of what Jesus said about such judgement and hypocrisy in Matthew 7:5.